I want my debt back!

Bush is set to sign into law a bill that raises the United States’ debt ceiling by $800 billion, bringing the credit limit of the U.S. government to a grand total of $8.184 trillion.

Now, according to the U.S. census bureau, the U.S. population is (today) roughly 294,791,347 and counting (there’s somebody new being born approximately every 8 seconds and somebody else dying approximately every 13 seconds). So that means for every American, the government has racked up $27,762 in debt.

On one hand $27,762 doesn’t sound like a lot of money, at least not compared to the trillions of debt that it’s a fraction of. On the other hand, $27,762 is a hell of a lot more money than the $300 instant refund check I got back from the government back earlier in Bush’s presidency.

And if you add in my wife’s and my four-month-old son’s share of the debt, the total is $83,286 for my entire household. Now we’re talking.

I want my debt back.

Preferably in cold hard cash. But if that doesn’t work, then in an infinitely deferred no-fault loan, for which I never have to pay the principal or the interest. I mean, if the government is getting all that dough scott-free, why can’t I? At the very least, could the President write a letter of reference to my credit card company, asking them to extend my credit line indefinitely?

Let me tell you, my family sure could use this money much more than George Bush and Congress could. We don’t have any costly misguided invasions of foreign countries to worry about, but we do have a mortgage. I’ve been eyeing an iPod too. And then there’s my son’s college fund.

Of course, there’s always a chance the deficit will end up being reduced in future generations. But really, come on, the government has no incentive to decrease it. Nobody nowhere never has ever lost an election because they’ve been profligate, squandering their constituents’ money and good will.

Oh, you fiscal conservatives and deficit hawks, where have you gone? Can you believe I’m actually getting nostalgic for Ross Perot’s flowcharts and hour-long infomercials?